Seven Men, One Destiny

I shouted at Buck yesterday. Hell, I screamed at him like a little girl. Told him that he would never be my father and to stop acting like it.

I didn't mean it though. Buck has been more of a father to me than my own worthless one ever could have been. Buck's been there for me when I needed him time and time again. Buck would never have left my mother when I was a year old. Buck would never have ignored her letters when she found out she was dying. Buck would have come back for me when she finally died.

I don't know why I shouted at him, why I said so many hurtful things. I was upset, I guess. Casey said she never wanted to see me again (and I still have no idea what that one was all about. Women!) and I overheard a couple of guys in town saying that I should be sent of to school rather than work with the others, and I must have just lost it. When Buck came up to me and tried to give me his ever-so-useful avice on how to win Casey back (which I will *not* be following, I hasten to add) and just lost it.

I never meant it. Buck is the closest thing I have to family now. I just wish I could take back the words.

I'm sorry.

Mizz Travis is going to write this for me. I can read better now, but writing's still pretty hard for me.

Survival. Out here, survival is about just two things. Keeping your eyes open and your gun loaded. I've had to learn to read nature, see things that other people can't see, if I want to survive. Avoiding the goddamn (sorry Mizz Travis) bounty hunters that are after a pound of my flesh has been hard, but if I keep my wits about me, as Josiah would say, I can make it through. I never go anywhere without a gun. It would be near-suicide if I did.

I guess nowadays, the other thing that keeps me alive are the men I work with. For the first time in my life I know I have people who will watch my back for me, and that's something that don't come often in the wilds around here. Most times you're on your own. It's a strange feeling, but I think I'm growing to like it...

This one's about as simple as they come.

Family is Four Corners.

The other guys, Casey, Nettie, Missus Travis and her boy. They're my family now.

Have been for a while now.

I don't talk about it much. Hell, I don't talk about it at all if I can help it. But here, where I can write the words down and not have to hear them, I think I'll be able to.

Usually, when the anniversary comes around, I get myself so goddamned drunk that I can barely remember my name, let alone their faces, but this year it's different. Josiah told me that it means I'm ready to move on, but I don't like the sound of that, not if it means forgetting about them and starting a new life, but he swears it's not that. He also told me that the first thing I need to be able to do is to talk about them. Even if it's only to myself.

So, here goes everything.

Five years ago today, my wife Sarah and my son Adam died when our house burnt down. No, scratch that. They didn't just die. They were killed. Because of me. And I couldn't even save...

No.

That's not right either. Well, technically, it is, but it's not something I need to continue blaming myself for.

Five years ago today, my wife Sarah and my son Adam died when our house burnt down. I survived. And for the first time ever, I don't hate myself for that.